“My Life – A Paradoxical Mess” is a compelling and introspective account of My struggle to navigate the complexities of my existence, offering a poignant examination of the contradictions and challenges that define my life.
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Looking back on my years in the fire service, I feel a whole host of emotion. Love, hate, a sense of accomplishment and paradoxically, a sense that my years of service continue to destroy me.
Well, it’s more than a sense. Rather, it’s more accurate to say that PTSD has complicated my life beyond measure. See, it’s not just the debilitating symptoms of this mental health disorder, it’s also other factors. The exhaustion, the medication’s side effects, and the seclusion. That’s just to name a few.
All of these things break me a little every day, from the second I open my eyes and get to know a brand-new morning, I feel its power. A very early and often dark morning I might add. Don’t get me wrong, a life of solitude is nice, really nice, but one can accumulate an unhealthy dose of loneliness which if not worked on, can amplify their symptoms.
Read: Love and PTSD
With all that said, nothing is more difficult to come to terms with than the impact my road to mental wellness has had on my love life and loved ones. Sadly, I have left a scar on many of these relationships. And devastatingly, many of them have been unintentional – fallen victim to two things: Fear and being overwhelmed. Both are so intense that hitting the detonator on my most treasured connections has been preferred. Heck, it’s so bad that I might as well be held down by a powerful beast, fighting for my life. Getting close to people feels this scary. I hate it!
And if that weren’t enough, the power PTSD has over me is such that I often sabotage potential partners and friends. Trauma seems to smell potential trouble with people, when my stress reaches an eight or a ten, I randomly and very suddenly tell them, “I’m out!” Like literally, I will end it out of the blue.
- You Don’t See What I See
You Don’t See What I See – Being a firefighter exposes us to sights that are far from ordinary, sights that one would hope never to encounter. Such experiences can change one’s perspective, making them reconsider their own behavior. I hope you learn the lessons from this post so you can make better choices. - My Life – A Paradoxical Mess
“My Life – A Paradoxical Mess” is a compelling and introspective account of My struggle to navigate the complexities of their existence, offering a poignant examination of the contradictions and challenges that define my life. - How to Build a Mental Health First Aid Kit
We can’t heal if we don’t have the tools to succeed in this life – How to Build a Mental Health First Aid Kit - Trauma-informed care – what is it and how can it help?
Trauma is a very debilitating mental illness. Fortunately, there are treatments available. Like Trauma-informed care – what is it and how can it help? - The art of ruminating
The art of ruminating – Do you find yourself fixating or going over worst-case scenarios? There are ways to quell all the noise.
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Furthermore, if I am honest with myself, I just can’t handle the conflict, it numbs me to my core. At the first whiff of mental pain, I panic. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am trying to own it here. Therefore, it’s not that I blame everyone for the way I feel, I’m simply negotiating my way around a brutal world with no armor, little resilience.
As you might imagine, destroying potential happiness in one foul swoop only leads to more misery. So, then, here we are with another mental illness paradox, where I want, and need love and connection, but can’t handle the harder parts that come standard with the formation of said human love and connection.
Read: The Harvard Study on Happiness
Yet, despite this sad reality I live, I have never been a quitter. A fact that my regular readers are familiar with. Now though, I am finding it harder and harder. Why? Well, ironically because I do keep trying. Most notably on the relationship front.
Even though It’s all I want these days; I similarly am more eager to be alone. I mean, I can’t seem to get my love life off the ground soooo, maybe I am better off trying to not spark flames anymore and learn to be happy roaming the earth on my own? In short, something always crashes the bus.
So, I suppose the question for me now is: “Is it more painful for me to live in an apartment full of silence or with a partner and the ever-present potential of a relationship meltdown?”
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And……. There you have it, my life – a paradoxical mess. Where I go and how I move on in my life is so unclear to me. While I wish this wasn’t the case, I feel less and less willing to keep trying – to keep moving forward.
I will try, I really will, but I have to tell you, my will is weaker and my heartache harder to deal with. All I can do is hope tomorrow’s sunrise will come with an answer.
“You Keep Trying Too.”
Buy Jonathan’s book, The Road To Mental Wellness:
Learn to Manage and Thrive
- His lifelong battle with depression
- The benefits of exercise
- How to start to overcome the dread and exhaustion of depression
- How small steps make huge differences
- Scientifically backed techniques to help minimize depression, anxiety, and PTSD’s effects
- How to set boundaries with yourself when you have a mental health condition·
- How to optimize living your life with these debilitating mental illnesses.
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